Things I Thought Today

I thought that….

they held a touching memorial service for George Jones.

people who constantly brag about their jobs are jerks.

with all of the vehicles on the road and planes in the air it is going to be difficult for us to give up our addiction to gasoline.

service in a restaurant should not be slow when only three tables are occupied.

Walmart is Earth’s version of the Star Wars cantina.

the last day of class is always a day of mixed emotions.

I’ve become addicted to Twitter.

the quesadilla I had for lunch was pretty good.

sports talk radio is going to run its course one day.

newspapers should never be a thing of the past.

Justified should be on year round.

Iron Man 3 is a movie that I have to see within the next few days.

I really need to get a new car.

going into a bank is better than going to the drive-up window.

McDonald’s has the best french fries.

the only way I could make it through a marathon would be to pretend that I was in a Godzilla movie.

a lot of kids play soccer, but not many play it when they get older.

I could come up with a better blog post than this.

honeybuns may be the greatest use of sugar in human history.

Gambling in Another World

I love everything about casinos. The lights and sounds of the slot machines. The yells as people win at the Craps tables. The feel of the felt under my fingers as I sit at the Blackjack table. The thrill of putting chips in the circle and anticipating the cards. The cocktail waitresses who deliver free drinks. I love it all.

When I tell people about going to a casino, they automatically think of glamor, and the things I just mentioned could, I suppose, be considered glamorous. In Las Vegas, they definitely are. The cocktail waitresses are hot. People are dressed their best and ready for action. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I bet Monte Carlo is more glamorous than that. I mean anywhere James Bond gambles must be cool.

I say all of this because I just returned from a gambling junket to Tunica. It has the same slot machines, Craps tables and Black jack tables and would like for you to think that it has the glamor to go with those things. Just check out one of the promotional photos.

Everyone is dressed up, smiling and attractive. However, that is not exactly how it is. Some people look like they have slept in their clothes, and others have no idea how to dress. I saw one man wearing flip-flops, shorts and a blazer. Also, it seems that every Southeastern Conference school is represented by a cap or a t-shirt. Now, I have plenty of that gear as well, but I try not to wear it all the time.

I reckon the best way to describe the fashion of Tunica is to describe one of my Blackjack sessions. I was sitting with a wanna be Hip Hop king when a man wearing overalls and a “South Shall Rise Again” t-shirt sat down. He pulled $6,000 in cash out of his bib pocket and played $2,000 a hand. After three hands, he was done; stood up; said, “Fuck this.”; and left. In Vegas, you will see large amounts of cash but not a “South Shall Rise Again” t-shirt. That’s the difference.

Soon, I left the table and walked around the casino and figured this must be what the scene looks like in Lourdes. Everywhere, people were using canes, walkers, wheelchairs and scooters. It’s as if the disabled go to Tunica for the healing waters or the miracles of the Poker Slots.

After scanning the scene, I eased over to the bar for a drink and a bit of reflection. As I considered my surroundings, I was reminded of a place I saw in my childhood and realized that I had stumbled into a similar world. It was a place with lively entertainment and a variety of characters. I wasn’t really in Tunica. I was here. Except, there was no live band. These beings were rocking out to the best of the 80s.

The next day, I changed venues and went to a smaller casino. I had not been there in a long time because it always gave me a weird vibe, and that vibe returned as soon as I walked in. Are you a fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation? If you are, then you may remember an episode where Riker, Worf and Data find themselves in a casino on a distant planet. It was built by aliens for an astronaut who was stranded in space. The episode was The Royale and the trio was trapped in a cramped casino with eccentric characters.

That’s the way I feel when I walk into this particular casino, and this trip did not disappoint. There was one Blackjack table in operation, and it had two people playing. I sat down to play, and they wanted to have a conversation. One was a woman who looked like Elvira if she was addicted to meth and Krisy Kreme donuts. Doing her best to flirt, she asked me what I did for a living. I told the truth and said that I was a history professor. Thankfully, she said that history was boring.

Unfortunately, the other player thought it was interested. He was a man wearing an oxygen tank who had traced his family’s lineage. In short, he was a history buff and was convinced that I was interested in his family history. I didn’t stay long.

With all of that being said, I came home with more money than I left with, and I suppose that is the point. If you ever go to Tunica just don’t expect the glamor of other gambling destinations. And, watch out for what may be happening in the corner.

Ro Ro Ro Your Robot

Robots have filled the imagination of humans for decades, and they have slowly become reality. We have machines that can work for us and build other machines. However, when most people imagine robots they don’t think about an arm programmed to put a part on a car. They think about something that walks, talks, thinks, and, on some level, can be our personal helper and companion. It is something like us but not like us.

As scientists and engineers have developed robots for the real world, writers and filmmakers have developed the robots of our imagination. With that in mind, I have put together a list of five robots from sci-fi and popular culture that were memorable to me. You won’t find anything from Star Trek or Star Wars (I know. They are androids and droids. In my mind, Data, C-3PO, R2-D2 and any other form of moving around intelligence is a robot.), but you will find some creations that are memorable and some that are obscure.

Gunslinger – Westworld is part of an adult-oriented theme park where people can live out their fantasies. There are areas based on the Roman Empire, a medieval castle and an Old West town. Robots populate the parks and guests can interact with them as if they were human. Believe me, when I used the terms “adult-oriented” and “fantasies” I mean it. Anyway, Gunslinger operates in Westworld and is the fastest draw in the West. Played by Yul Brenner and based on his character in The Magnificent Seven, he faces off against park guest Richard Benjamin.

When a malfunction strikes the theme park, the robots go out of control, and Gunslinger tries to really kill Benjamin. The robot chases the human through each historical era, and Benjamin knows he’s in trouble as he sees the bodies of other guests. He eventually defeats Gunslinger and escapes back into the real world.

Robot – A simple name for a great character. Lost in Space is one of my favorite shows, and Robot is my all-time favorite, uh, robot.

People remember Robot as the best friend of Will Robinson; as the hero of many episodes; and as the nemesis of Dr. Zachary Smith. As time passed, the show focused less on the rest of the Robinson clan and more on the relationship of these three characters. However, people may not remember that Robot started out as a bad guy working with Smith to destroy the mission. That’s why they ended up “lost in space”. Robot soon redeemed himself, but those early dark episodes remain my favorite.

Robby the Robot – Built in 1955, Robby the Robot is the first in a long line of robotic characters and may be the most recognizable.

Billed as himself, Robby starred alongside a pre-comedic Leslie Nielsen in Forbidden Planet, the sci-fi classic. In subsequent years, he appeared in Lost in Space to battle with Robot; in television shows such as Hazel, Twilight Zone, The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis, and Mork & Mindy; and in movies like Gremlins. Through this time and through the creation of new and more stylistic robots, Robby remains the king of them all.

Twiki – Buck Rogers in the 25th Century was one of television’s many attempts to build upon the success of Star Wars. It starred Gil Gerard and Erin Gray. However, the light-hearted aspect of the show (actually, there were a lot of light things about it) came from Twiki.

Admittedly, I didn’t watch this show very much and looked at Erin Gray a lot when I did. However, this little dude entertained me. Played by Felix Villa and voiced by Mel Blanc, this guy was always getting into trouble but also helped Buck get out of trouble. He was the perfect companion in the tradition of old western stars, Gabby Hayes and Andy Devine.

Al Gore – I know it’s an old joke. But, his family comes from a town not far from here, and he is a distant relative of mine. Also, he works out of Nashville, and one of my good friends is his personal assistant. I think that gives me a break on using a tired joke. Besides, he looks kind of like a robot.

Despite the look of a robot, there are other clues to his robot self as well.

1. He invented the internet and is an expert in global warming despite the fact that he has no known scientific training. He has also gone from being almost bankrupt after the 2000 election to being a millionaire hundreds of times over. These have to be signs of immense artificial intelligence.

2. He shows no emotion unless someone disagrees with his stance or he is in a massage parlor.

3. He claims to be from Carthage, Tennessee, but no one can remember his childhood in that town. It’s like he was suddenly created. Of course, that could be a sign that he is not from Tennessee at all but is actually a product of Washington, D.C.

That, my friends, is a list of five famous and not so famous robots. Are there any robots out there that you would consider your favorites?

Menacing Phantom?

Earlier in the week, my nephew wanted me to see The Phantom Menace (I decided not to put the words “Star Wars” with it.) with him. I didn’t want see it, but I didn’t want to disappoint him either. He’s 18 and has seen all of the good (read: original ones). Apparently, he just couldn’t miss the 3D, big screen version of this one. A smart lad, he made a 35 on the ACT, but I knew that he didn’t know what he was doing and would be disappointed.

How did I know that? Because I was disappointed when I first saw it. I could remember the awe of seeing Star Wars (before they added “New Hope”) on the first row of the old Capitol Theater. The music. The spaceship flying across the screen. It was beautiful. I hoped against hope that The Phantom Menace would provide the same feeling but deep down knew that it would be impossible. George Lucas should have known it would be impossible too.

Anyway, we went to the movie and donned our glasses. The music played and an old feeling of awe emerged. Then, the paragraph hit the screen with the words “taxation” and “trade routes” Who in the world would make a movie about those things? A lot of action there. That feeling of awe seeped right out of my soul. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking about all of the problems.

1. They made a complicated series about economics and politics. I have to put up with that in real life. When I go to a movie named Star Wars, I want to escape my world. The first movie (I mean the real first one.) was a simple good guys v. bad guys affair. The story has been filmed countless times. Lucas just added some special effects to it. Although, he says otherwise. I am convinced that Lucas had one western-type story to film, and it hit huge. When the studio saw that money could be made, they asked for more. There couldn’t have been a grand plan for an epic. If so, then why did a brother kiss a sister? There is no way he thought past the first one.

I know. This is going too long. However, the richer Lucas became the more he thought people were interested in his views on the world. We are not. We are interested in him making simple stories with a lot of cool effects.

Oh, and how do you democratically elect a queen?

2. Everybody complains about Jar Jar Binks, but he is actually the most endearing member of his species. The fat leader was ridiculous. I know people jumped on Jar Jar because of racism, and there is no way he is a good sidekick replacement for Chewy. However, the absolute worst character is the announcer for the race. In action films, comedy should be subtle. You don’t need clowns spouting off everywhere.

3. Computer generated aliens are not as good as people dressed like aliens. Lucas got all happy with his technology and made too many insect-looking creatures. The cool ones were walking around on two legs with humanoid features. Like the plot, some things should be kept simple.

4. Lucas introduced a kid. How can we believe that a cute little blonde kid is going to grow up to be one of the greatest villains in movies history? It should have started with him being a pissed off teenager. And, how gross is it to see Natalie Portman and this kid together when we know that they will eventually get it on? Very upsetting.

I could go on, but I don’t want to be like Lucas and drag this thing out. When the film ended, I asked my nephew how he liked it. He liked it. A lot. In fact, he liked it better than the original. How could that be? Maybe it was seeing it on the big screen. He has only seen the first ones on TV, and, honestly, that does take away some effect. He’s a smart kid. I had to know. So, I asked why. He replied that the first one was too slow with too much talking. I couldn’t believe it, so I watched it the next day. Turns out that he is right.

Star Wars was groundbreaking movie that changed the audience and the industry, but, like many things, it seems bigger as a child. Like I tell my history classes, people talk about the good old days, but they were never really that good. All generations have problems, but we look at the past through rose-colored glasses. I think some Star Wars fans, including me, have done this. The first movies had such an impact that nothing else could compare. But, young people like my nephew have a different perspective. Not just about Star Wars but about the world.

So, maybe Lucas was right after all. They are his movies to do as he pleases. Just like a professional football team, there are fans, but there is also an owner. In the end, it belongs to him. Star Wars belongs to Lucas. Maybe he realized the purity of the first ones needed to be changed for a new world view. Perhaps he realized that 21st Century audiences needed a more complicated story. It could be that he wasn’t making them for the 1970s/80s fans.

With that in mind I started thinking about The Phantom Menace with a more positive view.

1. It was cool to see the Jedi Council building. I only wish that Samuel L. Jackson had looked at Liam Neeson and said, “Look motherfucker! Can’t you see that this little punk is going to become the baddest ass we have ever seen?!”

2. Darth Maul was cool too. How can you go wrong with a red dude with horns? After all, only Satan could precede Darth Vader.

3. Liam Neeson made an excellent Jedi. At least he made the movie and didn’t bitch afterwards like Alec Guiness did for years.

4. Jar Jar and the gang turned out to be pretty good on the battlefield. They stood up to the droid army and didn’t slobber on themselves too much. Besides, how bad could they be compared to Ewoks?

In the end, my nephew changed my mind a little about The Phantom Menace. Then, he asked, “Which is better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Sigh.

Questions that Keep Me Up at Night

What did Billy Joe McAllister throw off the Tallahatchie Bridge?

Why does Goofy talk, wear clothes and stand upright while Pluto does none of those?

What are the reindeer games?

Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?

What happened to the Lost Colony of Roanoke?

Who is Tom Doniphon?

What rhymes with orange?

Who’s “so vain”?

What happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

Is there a God?

Where’s Waldo?

If “Star Wars” is the past and “Star Trek” is the future, then what “star” is the present?

What happened to the people on the Mary Celeste?

Who has more money – Richie Rich or Bruce Wayne?

What’s in the case that everyone is after in “Ronin”?

Where in the world is Carmen Santiago?

What happened to D.B. Cooper?

Should I stay, or should I go?

Does the top fall at the end of “Inception”?

Which is better – “Speed Racer” or “Star Blazers”?

What does ke-mo sah-bee mean?

Will Wile E. Coyote ever catch the Roadrunner?

What the cooler superpower – invisibility or x-ray vision?

Who is Wilhelm, and why do movies keep using his scream?

Why do people who believe in reincarnation always claim to have been a famous person?