Tangled Up in the Schneid

When people think of men playing slow pitch softball, a few images might pop into their heads. A bunch of non-athletic guys hobbling around and drinking beer. A church league where there are a lot of swings and misses. An intramural league in college where the athletics team up to dominate everyone else.

That may be what people think about, but I grew up in a different kind of game. My dad sponsored a professional men’s slow pitch softball team, and we played at the highest levels of the sport. We flew throughout the country to play in the biggest tournaments and had players at the peak of their athletic form. When I try to describe how good these guys were, people can’t believe that most of the players could hit softballs out of baseball stadiums.

(Time for a little bragging. In recent years, my dad, his manager and four of his players have been inducted into the Tennessee Softball Hall of Fame.)

We played in a lot of big games, but a game was truly important when Ray Molphy, the Voice of Softball, was announcing the game.

I can vividly remember playing under the lights on a Saturday night with thousands of people around the field. Ray’s voice would be booming through the air as he announced the game. While he didn’t take sides, Ray told me privately that he was also pulling for us. Our budget wasn’t as large as the teams we were playing, so we were a perpetual underdog that made sure our opponent was in for a fight.

Like all good announcers, Ray had catchphrases that everyone recognized.

If a player had hit for a single and a home run, then he had hit for “the minimum and the maximum”.

When a team was coming up to bat in an inning, the first batter was in the box; the second batter was on deck; and, the third batter was “lurking in the shadows”.

If a player had not yet gotten a hit, then he was “tangled up in the schneid”.

I have been thinking about Ray’s lines because I feel that I am tangled up in the blogging schneid. I am having a hard time coming up with anything that is interesting or original. My posts are lacking something that I can’t put my finger on. It just feels that there is something missing.

When a player stepped to the plate and heard Ray talking about the schneid, they would react a couple of ways. One, they would get mad and make it worse. Two, they would use it for motivation to get a hit. I don’t know which way I am going to react, but, right now, I feel like the schneid is all over me.

Secrets Revealed

Those who have read this blog from its creation know why it came into being. I created it, and, as the number of posts grew, people began to read and some began to follow. I didn’t tell anyone in my personal life about the blog, but it wasn’t like I was keeping a deep, dark secret. It just didn’t occur to me as something to share. I lived my life, and, sometimes, I would get on my computer and write.

Today, I told my girlfriend about the blog. I know. It’s terrible that I didn’t tell the person closest to me. That’s why I told her. People all over the world read my words, and I wanted her to read my words, too. After all, many of the posts have been about my adventures with her.

So, today a secret was revealed, and it made me feel kind of like this guy.

Deep Throat

With that being said, I welcome my girlfriend as a new reader of Surrounded by Imbeciles. I hope you like reading it as much as I like writing it.

The Little River Band Sang…

“Happy Anniversary, Baby“, and I have been thinking about that song because it has been one year since the birthing of this blog. It started with the suggestion of a therapist who I don’t see anymore and, honestly, I thought it was a dumb idea. I knew nothing about blogging and didn’t understand why anyone would want to read what I had to write. For the first month, that proved accurate as the blog got 49 hits FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH.

Several times, I thought about stopping but realized that was the point behind the therapist’s suggestion. I have had a hard time committing, and this would give me practice at continuing something. It’s a year later, and I am still continuing. That fact has amazed me along with a few other things.

I am amazed that this blog has 252 followers, and I deeply appreciate each one of you. Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t thank all of the other readers who have stopped by along the way. I appreciate that you guys have taken the time to read my words and offer hundreds of comments. There are some great people in the blog world, and I am happy to have come into contact with a bunch of them.

I am amazed that people from 91 countries have clicked on one of my posts. ZZ Top went nationwide, and Surrounded by Imbeciles has gone worldwide.

Beard, Beard and a guy named Beard.

Wait, that last sentence brings something to mind that I would like to address, the title of the blog. Several people have told me how much they like the title, and others have told me that, with the content to the blog, I should change it. I find value in each one of those opinions.

The explanation for the title is given in the very first post. I didn’t realize that there was an About page for introductory purposes and wrote post for introductory purposes. That, along with the fact that I didn’t know what a Tag was, shows you how big of a blogging imbecile I was. Anyway, I am getting off track.

That post explains where the title comes from and explains my vision for what Surrounded by Imbeciles would be about – a sarcastic look at the human condition. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I haven’t been able to keep the sarcasm flowing. Now, I still throw sarcasm out there, but it is surrounded by all sorts of other views of the world.

In short (too late, I know), I am not surrounded by imbeciles. I am surrounded by great people with a few imbeciles thrown in. Because I actually know a few imbeciles, I am going to keep the name of the blog. Besides, it’s a brand. I don’t see Coke changing anything. Wait, they tried that once didn’t they?

Uh, ok.

I conclude this anniversary post by shamelessly linking the eight less read entries of Surrounded by Imbeciles.

THE BOTTOM TEN

Last - Never heard of Peter Burnett? Well, now you have.

Almost Last – Some important events have happened on November 25.

Nearly Last – Read ‘em and weep.

Almost Last But Not Quite – Steve Jobs sold crack.

In The Last Five – The dreaded Winter Solstice.

Hey, It’s Not In The Last Five – The brain says, “Hey, give me a break.”

Not Nearly Last – What is true immortality?

A Safe Distance From Last – An ode to a cactus.

Again, thanks to everyone who has read this blog. I truly appreciate it.

Logically, It’s for the Poet

When this blog began, the front page of WordPress was a listing of those blogs which had been chosen as “Freshly Pressed”. I found several blogs to follow by squeezing the melons in that section. Now, the front page of WordPress has changed to some sort of sliding pictorial format.

Example, “For the Foodie” slides into “For the Photographer”. I suppose that the slides show potential bloggers the variety of things they can write about in the WordPress world. It’s an alright front page, but there is one thing that I have a question about.

Why does “For the Poet” have a picture of Spock in a wig?

Sweet!

I am sitting in the theater surrounded by men in tuxedos and women in expensive gowns. My eyes are closed. My palms are sweaty. I know that I am being watched on a split screen by millions of people, and they are watching me freak out. Suddenly, I hear my name called out. Everyone begins to clap as I hug the people around me. I give a big kiss to the blonde that is accompanying me, but I can’t remember her name. After all, we just met a few hours ago.

I can’t feel myself walking down the aisle and onto the stage. But, I know who’s waiting for me. Winona Ryder, the presenter, is smiling and looking at me with eyes that are saying this is not the only award I will be getting tonight. I give her a kiss on the cheek as she hands me….

Is it a dream? Kind of but not really. Today, I was honored to receive this award from Fern over at The Fur Files. Check out her blog. She writes about a bunch of things, including marriage and sex. Wait, marriage and sex go together?

I am not sure what rules I need to follow to complete the reception of this award, so I am just going to list my favorite Sweets.

I wonder if it is as sweet right side up.

Angels sang when Hot Tamales were first born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

This song by James Taylor.

Sweetness!

This song by Aerosmith.

The aforementioned Miss Ryder.

Thanks again, Fern.

Thank God for Gas Pumps

All of us bloggers like to look at our stats. At least, I assume all of us bloggers like to look at our stats. I know that I do, anyway. It’s not like I look at them all of the time. Wait, I do look at them often, but that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to point out an anomalous point in the stats. I have pointed it out before but feel the need to point it out again.

One of my earlier posts, The Problem With Gas Pumps, completely dominates this blog. In fact, it makes up 17% of the total page views in the SBI universe and outnumbers the next 30 posts combined. Undoubtedly, some of its popularity is due to the excellent writing exemplified by the post. However, I believe most of the popularity comes from the fact that it includes this picture:

This picture drives more page views than a topless picture of a princess.

Don’t believe that gas pumps dominate? Here are the top 15 search terms for Surrounded by Imbeciles.

1. gas pumps

2. gas pump

3. gasoline pump

4. pictures of gas pumps

5. josey wales

6. gasoline pumps

7. dumas brothel

8. mount rushmore conspiracy theories

9. outlaw josey wales

10. pump gas

11. picture of gas pumps

12. the outlaw josey wales

13. images of gas pumps

14. gas pump image

15. picture of a gas pump

The only things that bust the monopoly are people looking for old prostitutes; people looking for hidden meanings in stone-faced presidents; and, people who are fans of Clint Eastwood’s best movie.

Bloggin’ ain’t much of a livin’ boy.

In honor of The Problem With Gas Pumps and to gratuitously promote other posts, I present the ten posts that are eating the most dust.

Victorian Brothelese – There are the whores that people are looking for.

Greetings and Salutations – You can always count on the About page.

Dirty Deeds and Thunder Chief - My ode to lyrics that people mess up.

Movie Wisdom – Burt Reynolds Edition – Watch some Burt Reynolds movies. It will make you smarter.

A Requiem for Josey Wales – “To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat, same as worms.”

The Good, the Bad, and the Presidential – There is more bad than good in this post.

It’s a Conspiracy – If you think things aren’t as they seem, then read this post.

John Wayne and Edgar Allan Poe – What? You didn’t know poetry could be learned from a John Wayne movie?

Memories of a Day in September – My thoughts on the anniversary of 9/11.

A Totally Not Funny Account of My Trip to New Orleans – It’ll make you cry.

Planetary Underwear, Mouse Ears and Unsolved Mysteries

There’s not much happening in my mind tonight, so I am going to break out the old Inspiro app to see what pops up. For those not in the know, Inspiro is designed to break writer’s block and pump out potential ideas. It produces word combinations and scenes that could inspire a story. Different sections create different things, but one thing is certain. Some weird stuff comes out of it.

The Muse

Early American prostitutes first thing in the morning- This has some real possibilities – especially for an expert in historical prostitution like me. This post is supposed to be an attempt at entertainment, but this line is thought-provoking. Prostitution was rampant in the British colonies and throughout the Revolutionary period. Heck, it has always been rampant. Morning is just as good a time to get a prostitute as any other.

This is a lot more fun than dumping tea in the water.

Handmade underwear on Uranus- Isn’t underwear designed to cover Uranus?

Put on some drawers!

Silent tubas in the 1930s- I think tubas are just as good silent as noisy. Think about marching bands. Tubas can be used as a dancing prop. They can be used to form words. In the 1930s, they could have been used as shelter by hobos.

Yes, there are such people.

Scenarios

A woodpecker involved in a love triangle with an alligator – I can hear Troy from Swamp People now. “What’s he doin’ to that peckerwood? Choot ’em! Choot ‘em!”

Laugh your way out of this one, Woody.

A mouse sitting on top of your best friend- Uh, dude. There’s something on your head.

It could be worse…Actually, it couldn’t.

A prostitute sitting on top of a gangster -This has never happened. Who would even think something like this?

When I Googled “prostitute sitting on top of a gangster”, this is not the image that I expected to pop up.

The Daydream Machine

A dirty mind can be poetry- There once was a man from Nantucket…Well, you can fill in the rest of it.

I have found the church for me.

The unknowable is sometimes mystery -Sometimes but not all of the time.

The real mystery: how many times did Robert Stack have plastic surgery?

The AntiChrist looks like hot sex- This is exactly what I learned in church. No wonder I haven’t been back.

Google AntiChrist, and you will see that the AntiChrist does not look like hot sex. He looks like two people: George Bush and Barack Obama.

That’s it. I’m finished being inspired by Inspiro. Next time, I will try to write a real post.

Out the Roof

This morning I woke up, stretched and grabbed my iPad to see what happened while I was out. As always, I logged into the Surrounded by Imbeciles world to see if any of the bloggers I follow posted during the evening. I read the few that had been added to the list and clicked over the Site Stats, where I got a huge surprise. While I was sleeping, the Views went out the roof.

Yesterday, this blog’s Views doubled the best day ever. I was thrilled. If I wasn’t awake before, then I was once this statistic jumped out at me. As all bloggers know, it is cool when you realize that people are actually interested in the stuff you write. I was also stunned because I couldn’t figure out what caused this sudden jump in numbers.

The post from the night before was nothing that would draw a great deal of interest, so I knew that wasn’t it. Then, I thought that it was the post about gas pumps, which I have come to call “Old Reliable”, but even that one has never made such numbers. Not being able to figure it out, I finally looked in Top Posts & Pages to see what posts had been read, and that’s when I got the real surprise.

Every post I have ever written had been read. How did that happen? I can only figure that a reader went through the blog and read all of the posts. Perhaps, they were searching for something specific. Maybe, they, like I often do, started reading and couldn’t stop. Whichever the reason, I appreciate the fact that someone took the time to read the ramblings that I have placed on this blog.

With that being said, I thank you “Mystery Reader” for taking a tour of the Surrounded by Imbeciles world. I hope you found it entertaining, informative and enjoyable. You are welcome to come back anytime. In your honor, I have included the following likeness:

Alterations

As Douglas MacArthur once said, “I have returned!” Although he was returning to the Philippines during World War II, I have returned to Tennessee from an excursion into parts unknown – the same place that a lot of masked wrestlers came from.

As happens a lot when someone is gone for a length of time. I came back to some alterations – not in my real life but in my blog life (which are quickly merging).

As I flew home, I couldn’t wait to open up the Surrounded by Imbeciles portal and see what I have been missing. Imagine my surprise to see a big red/yellow/orange map on a new look Site Stats page. It is a really cool addition, and it was interesting to see not only how many people have been looking in but also where they are located when they look. All this time, I have been thinking that people in a few states have been checking out the blog. In actuality, these blogs go all over the world. Imagine that! It makes me realize how big and impactful the Internet really is. Thank you, fellow Tennessean Al Gore! I know, an old joke that I have used before.

I know you blogging folks have probably been playing around with your maps. I just got into mine and found some interesting stuff. Obviously, the United States sits at the top by a wide margin. I write about the things I know, and most of that is in the United States. It makes me wonder what someone in Gabon thinks about some of my references.

Completing the top five are Australia, Canada, Indonesia and the United Kingdom. Other ones that I find interesting are Jordan, Barbados (because it’s a great island), Turkey, the Russian Federation (I wonder if Putin feels as if he is surrounded by imbeciles.), Malta, Bangladesh and Costa Rica (because, well, I just wanted to mention Costa Rica).

Anyway, I just wanted to get back into blogging mode after some time off and thank WordPress for their cool map. I always say that people should be able to read a map. That bitchy woman who gives you directions from the dashboard just isn’t the same as Rand McNally. I only wish that they could break down the states as well. Although, they may have done that, and I just haven’t figured it out yet. At any rate, it is good to be back in the blog world.

Cheeseburgers, Clocks and Albert Einstein’s Wife

Sometimes we have to search for something to write about, and other times subjects just appear. Today, I was struggling with ideas for tonight’s installment until I realized that it was happening right in front of me.

In my morning class, I brought out an activity that I have been using through the years to break up the monotony of lectures – for both me and the students. I ask them to list five people from history that they would like to have dinner with. When they are finished with their lists, I go around the room and ask who they wrote down. Then, we discuss one from each list. The parameters of choices are pretty wide. They can pick someone dead or living (living people have affected history too). In short, they can pick anyone famous. I allow this to show that history is not made up only of political leaders and other people who deem themselves important. Everyone takes part in the story of history. I also allow this to see what they are interested in.

As we went around the room, the usual suspects popped up. Jesus and Adolph Hitler have always been popular choices. (I wonder how often those two names have been used in the same sentence.) George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln came up as well. I also get a lot of celebrities and athletes, but I was surprised to have a girl who wanted to meet Megan Fox. Some new names emerged, like William Shakespeare, Charlie Chaplin and Super Tramp (you know, the band).

However, I was really surprised to hear someone say Albert Einstein’s wife. I know that there was a stunned look on my face as I asked, “Why Albert Einstein’s wife?” The following conversation took place.

“Because she is the one who did all of the work. No one would listen to her because she was a woman, so she put everything in his name. He was dumb. He didn’t even know how to tie his shoes.”

“I have never heard that. Where did you see this?”

“A friend told me. It’s like a conspiracy.”

“I’ll have to look into that. It is true that women did not have as many opportunities in those days, and I am sure she was an intelligent lady.”

I quickly moved on to someone else because I had nothing else to say. I did not want to quash a student’s interest in the subject, but I have never heard this theory before. Instead of making the student look bad, I said that was a very interesting idea that I wanted to investigate and would like them to investigate as well. Diplomatic, huh? I haven’t looked into this yet, but if you guys have ever heard about this please let me know. In the meantime, here is a picture of Albert Einstein’s wife along with Albert.

That was fun, but, as they say, the fun wasn’t over yet. I was starving when I left school. Rotary had corned beef and cabbage left over from a St. Patrick’s Day party. It was served with potatoes, and I wondered if the Irish started eating this beef and cabbage stuff when their potatoes went bad. If so, then serving them together is pretty ironic. Anyway, I was hungry and went into a drive-thru. The following happened.

“What can I get you today?”

“I would like a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, pickle and lettuce. I would also like fries and a medium Coke. (In the South, all soft drinks are called Coke.)”

“I have a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, pickle and lettuce. Fries and a medium Coke. Would you like cheese on your cheeseburger?”

Silence as I pondered that question and the origins of the universe which Albert Einstein’s wife theorized about.

“Sir?”

“I’m here.”

“Would you like cheese on your cheeseburger?”

“Yes. That would be good.”

“Drive to the first window please.”

After getting my cheeseburger with cheese, I headed home. At a red light, an old school station pulled ahead of me, and I noticed something strange in the rear window. There was a clock – a round clock that should be hanging on a wall. And it was keeping time. Next to the clock was a sticker that said, “I’m a Lover.” Perhaps, he was timing himself because he was, as The Dominoes would sing, a Sixty Minute Man.

I went home; ate my cheeseburger with cheese; thought about Mrs. Einstein and the Sixty Minute Man; and knew I had my blog post.