Things I Thought Today

I thought that….

they held a touching memorial service for George Jones.

people who constantly brag about their jobs are jerks.

with all of the vehicles on the road and planes in the air it is going to be difficult for us to give up our addiction to gasoline.

service in a restaurant should not be slow when only three tables are occupied.

Walmart is Earth’s version of the Star Wars cantina.

the last day of class is always a day of mixed emotions.

I’ve become addicted to Twitter.

the quesadilla I had for lunch was pretty good.

sports talk radio is going to run its course one day.

newspapers should never be a thing of the past.

Justified should be on year round.

Iron Man 3 is a movie that I have to see within the next few days.

I really need to get a new car.

going into a bank is better than going to the drive-up window.

McDonald’s has the best french fries.

the only way I could make it through a marathon would be to pretend that I was in a Godzilla movie.

a lot of kids play soccer, but not many play it when they get older.

I could come up with a better blog post than this.

honeybuns may be the greatest use of sugar in human history.

Is Rod Serling as Frustrated as Me?

Why are builders called contractors? Their job involves construction, not contraction. It seems to me that they should be called constructors.

That’s the kind of crap that’s running through my mind. I had this great post playing in my brain about last night’s B.B. King concert, but that one is going to be put on hold. This has been a frustrating evening, and the things that frustrated me have affected the B.B. King post in a couple of ways. First, it got my mind off track. Second, it made me start typing too late to give the subject justice.

Instead, we have a post about frustration. The other day, I bought Fort Apache on Blu-Ray. It’s the John Ford movie starring John Wayne, Henry Fonda, Shirley Temple and John Agar, who ended up being her real life husband.

It’s a fictional portrayal of George Custer and the defeat that he suffered. I’ve always thought it was weird that they placed a fictional cavalry against the Apache when they could have portrayed a real cavalry against the people they really fought.

The portrayal of a fictional story instead of a historical one is not what frustrated me. That came from the Blu-Ray player that suddenly froze up. My parents have a movie room that is designed to provide a great movie watching experience. Tonight, it provided a frustrating time of trying to figure out what was wrong with it. My dad had me call the guy that put the room together for them. On a Friday night. During his time off.

Finally, I texted my nephew who can fix anything. He sent back a simple reply – unplug it. That did the trick. Then, I was frustrated because I didn’t think of that.

We watched the movie, and I went home to get some work done. Part of that work involved emailing some pictures to my insurance agent. I won’t bore you with the details of insurance, but I will bore you with the details of my frustration. My school account would not email the images. I tried over and over. It’s a Gmail account, so I figured it could do anything. Apparently, it can’t.

That’s when I swapped over to my personal email. Hell, it wouldn’t even download the pictures. After that, I went back to my work email to send the pictures one at a time. Each email took forever. At the top of the screen it said:

Sending…

Still Working…

I don’t know how long it took each email to go through because I finally walked off. When I got back, they had been sent. Well, I guess they had been sent. They could be in The Twilight Zone for all I know.

Sometimes, I think the world is becoming one big Twilight Zone. Look at the crazy things that happen. Some of it is serious, and some of it is downright ridiculous. Through it all, Rod Serling is standing out of sight talking about the signpost up ahead.

My Favorite Search Term of All Time

It is always interesting to see how people find their way to this blog. Like most bloggers, I look through the search terms and come away amazed at some of the stuff that gets typed in. At times, I wonder how they got here, and that’s when I search it to find the trail from them to me.

Recently, a search term popped up, and there was no reason to go looking for it. I knew exactly how it led them here. It is probably my favorite search term of all time, and I am proud to claim it as part of the Surrounded by Imbeciles experience. What could be so great? Take a gander at this.

where is all the whores in tunica ms

It is great on so many levels, but you must understand that it is not a surprise. I have written about Tunica, the gambling capital of the south. I have also written about whores. In fact, I have written about whores more than once. Therefore, if someone is looking for a prostitute in Tunica, then a search engine will bring them to me. It really is something to be proud of.

Here’s the thing, though. I have been to Tunica countless times, and I have never seen someone who I thought was a working girl. That doesn’t mean they are not there. Heck, there’s lots of money in Tunica, so it only makes sense that prostitutes would be there to get some of it. I just haven’t noticed them. Of course, it could be that I haven’t seen anyone that I thought should be paid for sex. Unless the guy (I assume it was a guy) on the prowl is fond of the Hoveround type.

Put in a quarter, and it will vibrate.

Simply, Tunica is not the place to go to find a whore. Want to eat at Paula Deen’s? Go to Tunica. Want to play some Blackjack? Go to Tunica. Want to see people smoke a cigarette while wearing an oxygen mask? Go to Tunica. Want to have a high-class escort for the weekend? Don’t go to Tunica. Go to Las Vegas!!!

Although prostitution is illegal in Las Vegas, escorts can be found everywhere. In fact, I used to make a game out of it and see if I could guess who was and who wasn’t. There is this one little casino that is kind of a dive. When I go in, I always get a Blackjack seat close to the bar. That way I can watch the people and figure out what is going on. It’s easy to see a woman walk in alone and walk out with someone in a matter of minutes. It is even easier when she makes her way back.

It’s a little more difficult in the larger casinos. These places don’t want the women hanging around, and security is everywhere. That means that the women at the bar have to be more discreet. It also means that many escorts arrive with their clients. If a man and woman walk into a casino together, then how can you prove that she is getting paid? Of course, there can be suspicions. When an 80-year-old man walks in with a 25-year-old woman who looks like she stepped out of a magazine, something is up.

To help the person who searched – where is all the whores in tunica ms – I have some advice.

1. Don’t look for a whore in Tunica. Go to Paula Deen’s buffet instead. You will get more bang for your buck.

2. If you want to find a whore in a casino, then go to Las Vegas. Just sit at a bar by yourself and see what happens.

3. Try to find a prostitute who has a degree in English.

She can also help you with your Longfellow.

Once your few seconds are up, she can help with your sentence structure.

This Treadmill is Made for Walking

When people see my treadmill, they always ask if it is used for hanging laundry or for exercising. Well, I don’t do laundry, so that only leaves one option. However, I must admit that I didn’t use it effectively for a long time. I ignored it; pretended like it wasn’t there; and left it sitting in its space like it was broken down or something. Then, something strange happened. I got a physical and was told that I needed some kind of exercise, and I figured that I couldn’t ignore the treadmill any longer. In fact, I just got off of it.

This is not an accurate depiction of me. I would never wear a sweat band.

Treadmills have been compared to hamster wheels, and that comparison is understandable. You go and go and go and don’t end up anywhere. But, isn’t that a metaphor for some times in our lives. No matter what we do something seems to be holding us in place. I think about stuff like that when I am on the treadmill. Am I a hamster on a wheel with no true destination? If that’s true, then at least I am not just sitting there eating hamster food.

I’ll get on that wheel tomorrow.

A lot of people think treadmills are boring because of that “stuck in one spot” mentality, but there are ways to keep things interesting. The aforementioned thinking is a good example. It’s a good place to let your mind roam without being interrupted by television, Twitter or the other gadgets that we have grown attached to.

Another way to prevent boredom and improve health is to vary the speeds that you are not traveling. My regimen starts with a 5 minute warm up at a speed of 2.5. Then, I hit 3.0 for 8 minutes and follow that with 2 minutes of 3.5. I kick it back down to 3.2 for another 8 minutes before revving up to 3.7 for 2 minutes more. Then, it’s back down to 3.3 for 8 minutes and back up to 3.8 for 2 more minutes. All that is concluded with a 5 minute cool down at 2.5. Before I know it, 40 minutes of exercised has passed me by. I’m not moving, so it had to be going by me.

Most of the time, I keep boredom further away by reading the Kindle, and it’s funny how some books make the exercise go faster than other ones. I just finished Cobb, a biography of Ty Cobb.

The Georgia Peach

He is considered by many to be the greatest baseball player of all time and definitely one of the meanest. His is a fascinating life, but it isn’t conducive to the treadmill. I thought I was never going to get through it or the 40 minute sessions of walking in one spot.

The current book, The Blood Gospel, is flying by along with the walking. It is about the role of vampires in the beginnings of Christianity. It’s fiction – I think.

Fact or Fiction?

Here’s the thing though. I can only read the Kindle on the treadmill. I can’t read real books. People tell me that they can’t read on the treadmill, but I am convinced that they have never tried a Kindle. There are no pages to turn. There is no fighting to keep it on the rack. You just stick it up there and touch the screen. The trick is picking the right book. Unfortunately, once I start a book I have to finish it. Good or bad, I am stuck with it.

It looks like I am stuck with the treadmill, too. I may sound as crazy as Ty Cobb, but I actually like the thing.

Evil Hair Razor Women Butt

Yes, that was a search term that led someone to this blog. When I saw it, I knew that I had to use it at some point, but my mind couldn’t conceive of a good way. Then, Madame Weebles wrote a post about the search terms that she encounters. It’s some funny writing that everyone should read, and it offers a different take on the “let’s write about search terms” format.

The Madame listed terms that would make good band names. Like a good blogger, I am copying that idea. If a band called Evil Hair Razor Women Butt plays in my town, then I am going to the show.

Can you believe that this is what popped up when I image searched Evil Hair Razor Women Butt?

Here are some other bands that would put on a great show. (Note: Song titles and other tidbits were discovered while searching the search terms.)

Dirty Deek and the Dondo Chiefs were part of the British Invasion and had a great debut album with “Something Sinister” but couldn’t follow up that success with their second album “Unknown by Unknown”.

Bite the Vampire made it to Number One on the Punk charts with “Toxic Fluid” and hit the Top Ten with “Someone is Dying”. Ironically, those two titles were prophetic as lead singer Matt Gaze suffered an early demise.

The Black Blobs were early Metal pioneers who created underground classics like “Nothing At All” and “Leave the Tail”.

Robby Gipsy was a psychedelic folk singer in the late 1960s who never had a hit but whose songs have come to define the era. When people hear “Butterfly”, they are automatically taken back to the Summer of Love.

Japanese Jeremiah was an 80s One Hit Wonder with “Why Don’t You Come?”

Western Porno brought us the electronic dance craze “Trip to Mars”.

Hillbilly Salutations is an Alternative Bluegrass band that has been included on many soundtracks, including the movie “Lost in the Highlands.

Coctail was a 90s girl group that broke up after making it big with “Mad Man”. The lead singer has gone on to greater fame as a solo artist.

Bigfoot is an Alien was a college band that sang mostly covers. But, they always brought the co-eds to their feet with “Exploratory Purposes”.

Joey Whale was a singer/songwriter in the 70s who penned such classics as “Once Upon a Time” and “Boston Harbor”. Today, he can found in the lounge of the Golden Nugget in Las Vegas.

The performers for Bonaroo were released today. There is no way that they could be better than this group.

Lights in the Sky

The other night my girlfriend and I were in Walgreen’s buying toiletries and such, and we made our way to the magazine rack. She bought a magazine about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, while I bought Open Minds, a publication about UFOs. I haven’t opened it up yet, so it was probably a waste of money. Actually, it was definitely a waste of money. It doesn’t matter because I wanted it at the time. The definition of impulse buying I suppose.

Like a lot of people, I have always been fascinated with UFOs. When in a bookstore, I will usually end up in the UFOs/Ghosts/Vampires aisle looking a books by Erich von Daniken and Richard Hoagland. Heck, I even made a pilgrimage to Roswell, New Mexico and the International UFO Museum and Research Center. While there, I saw this realistic display of an alien autopsy.

And this replication of Mayan art that is supposed to show an astronaut.

Is it real? I don’t know. But, it’s cool to think about. Last night, my girlfriend and I saw Zero Dark Thirty, and it was the first time I have seen Area 51 in a movie that did not involve aliens. That has nothing to do with this post, but that’s pretty cool, too.

As a UFO buff, I must admit that I have had a UFO experience. It wasn’t an encounter of the third or fourth kind, but it was an encounter. During my high school days, my buddy and I were out on the town doing things that high school kids do. The action was winding down, so I drove him home before heading to my house. As we went down the road, we noticed a light in the sky. I said something along the lines of, “What’s that?” Enlightening, I know.

“It’s probably a radio tower.”

“There’s never been a radio tower there before. Besides, they have red lights, and that one keeps changing colors.”

We watched it until we pulled into his driveway. That’s when we just stood in his front yard and stared at it.

“Maybe it’s an airplane.”

“It’s not moving.”

“Maybe it’s a helicopter.”

“Maybe, but it’s not making noise.”

At some point, we realized that we were not going to figure it out, so he went inside to get his dad. You need to understand that his dad was a prominent politician and held one of the most powerful offices in the state. This was no flunky that we were pulling out of bed to look at a UFO.

He came out bleary eyed and stared at it with us. Suddenly, a bright ray of light shot out of it toward the ground and stopped just as suddenly. It wasn’t a spotlight. It was like a laser beam. His dad never said a word. He just went to bed. After a while, my buddy went inside, too.

I drove home with the light still hovering in the distance and stood outside to watch until I couldn’t stay awake anymore. The next day, I called my friend to talk about it, but he didn’t want to talk.

“I’m not talking about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because people will think we are crazy.”

“I know what I saw, and it was a UFO.”

“No it wasn’t. There’s no such thing as aliens.”

“Who said anything about aliens? It was an object flying in the air, and we couldn’t identify it. That’s what a UFO is.”

“Whatever, I didn’t see anything.”

Three people saw an Unidentified Flying Object. One (his dad) never mentioned it again. Another (my buddy) denied seeing it. The other (me) buys a UFO magazine and hangs out in the UFO aisle at the bookstore.

Bane, Beyonce and Buffalo Wild Wings

Everyone knows that the Super Bowl turned into the NFL version of Vicki Lawrence’s 1972 hit “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia“. The biggest sporting event that the United States has to offer came to a screeching halt, and officials of all sorts began to scramble all over themselves. Well, Twitter didn’t come to a halt, and those in the Twitterverse began to scramble to come up with the wittiest comments.

Like millions, I scanned my Twitter feed during this dark time and, like millions, noticed that I was reading the same stuff over and over. Twitter people come up with some very imaginative and funny lines, but they can also become copycats. I noticed that a few themes began to emerge. The first person who tweeted this things were being original and funny. The next billion or so were a little late to the “Super Bowl of the Dark Ages” party.

Bane was everywhere. Or was it Baine. No, it could have been Bain. For a one syllable named villain, there sure were a lot of spelling versions. He was an obvious reference for the interrupted game. It the movie, he blows up the field during a kickoff return for a touchdown. In real life, the lights went out after a kickoff return for a touchdown. I understand the reference and found it clever the first time. But, I didn’t find it clever the 10,000th time.

SPELL MY NAME!!!

Beyonce was also all over Twitter. Of course, she was all over Twitter before the lights went out. All of the tweets were about her pulling all of the power out of the stadium or about her booty bumping into the generator. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if either one of those were the actual cause.

We bow to you, Mrs Carter.

I thought the references to Buffalo Wild Wings were the most ingenious. For those who don’t know, the restaurant chain has a long running advertising campaign where patrons delay sporting events to stay in the bar longer. If I was the CEO of Buffalo Wild Wings, then I would have a new commercial out a fast as possible.

Yes, it was us.

Those were funny, even though they got stale after a while. Another trend I did not find funny at all. Several tweets went out that mentioned how it was rich people who were trapped in the Super Dome this time. Obviously, this was a reference to people being trapped in the Super Dome during Hurricane Katrina. Also obviously, it was coming from people with a more liberal view of politics. I know this because there were some other tweets about it being the fault of the GOP.

Making fun of the GOP is fine, but I felt that the tweets took light of the situation during Katrina rather than making an overt political statement. It’s strange that those who consider themselves the most enlightened are sometimes the cruelest when attacking those who disagree with them. Folks on the extreme left and right will think this crazy, but I think they have more in common than they realize. Close-mindedness and refusing to understand the other view come to mind.

Ok, I didn’t mean to get on a political soapbox when I am actually on a Twitter soapbox. Now, back on track.

I’m not good at being funny on Twitter because I have an affliction. I think of clever stuff after the moment has passed. With that being said, here are some not clever things that I thought about after it was all over.

Andrew Jackson saved New Orleans once. He should have gone down there and saved it again. I know. History humor is not that humorous. Still, it took a Tennessee person to save New Orleans from the British, so I figure he could save it from Bane or Beyonce or Buffalo Wild Wings.

Hell, they already put up a statue of him down there.

As an aside, it seems to always take a Tennessee person to get something done. Jackson saved New Orleans. Sam Houston brought in Texas. James K. Polk grabbed California. Cordell Hull created the United Nations. Tina Turner was Beyonce before there was a Beyonce.

I also thought of Marie Laveau, the witch queen of New Orleans. Redbone sang a song about her, but there is something better. If you knock on her grave three times, then she may grant you a wish. I knocked, but I didn’t get the wish. I figure she turned out the lights because the Super Bowl interrupted Mardi Gras.

Knock three times.

However, I had another idea that was most fitting. The lights went out to honor Don Meredith, quarterback and Monday Night Football personality. Watch the video to understand why.

Turn out the lights. The party’s over.

That’s about it for my Super Bowl Twitter analysis.

Bigfoot, Under Hair and Gert Frobe’s Co-Stars

Otherwise known as the lazy man’s post. With nothing else to write about, I decided to explore recent search terms that led people to the blog. I could write something witty about each one, but I decided to search them myself to see what pictures pop up. Here’s the plan: Type in the search and grab the third picture on the second row. Here goes nothing.

Kevin Costner Move

Is he moving to the left or the right?

Rome’s Government

I didn’t know the Romans invented flow charts.

Under Hair Machine

Kill it! Kill it!

Religion In Your Face Buckle Bible Belt

This is exactly the picture that I knew would pop up.

Kurt Cobain Robert Frost

His face looks like the road most taken.

George Washington Is Cool

Yes, he is, son. Yes, he is.

Marty Robbins Margaritaville

Marty sang about reincarnation, not blown out flip flops.

Is Bigfoot An Alien

I cheated on this one. This is a picture from my blog that showed up on the first line.

Sean Connery Gert Frobe Kevin Bacon

Surely Kevin Bacon is not six degrees connected to this classic.

What Vegas Mayor Wore A Coonskin Hat

I really can’t tell from this picture.

Push To Start Gas Pump

Looks simple enough

Linda Gray In Mini Skirts

It’s not a miniskirt, but it is a beautiful 80s flashback.

Surrounded By Imbeciles

I am so proud.

How To Spend In World End

That’s how.

That’s also the end.

Running From the Giant Monkey Monster

My girlfriend left her iPad at my house. On the surface, this would seem to be a bad thing for her because she can’t use it for anything – especially the solitaire game that she is addicted to. However, this episode has turned into a bad thing for me because her daughter downloaded Temple Run 2. I picked it up; started playing it; and am addicted.

For the uninformed, Temple Run 2 is the sequel to Temple Run, a game that I have never played because I hate games that have no ending. It is impossible to beat them. Yet, I keep trying. That’s where the addiction part comes in. A good friend of mine says that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to change. It’s official that Temple Run 2 has driven me crazy.

The game has an Indiana Jones wannabe stealing a golden idol from a temple.

Meet Guy Dangerous

There is also another guy and a couple of gals that try to steal the idol. Stealing a golden idol seems easy, but, like Indiana Jones, the act unleashes a torrent of peril. This peril comes in the form of a giant monkey monster that is standing guard. You don’t see him much because he is always behind you, but being caught looks something like this.

Meet Giant Monkey Monster

Guy, or whoever else you are using, runs through the temple ruins while this thing chases him. Along the way, he soars through the air on ropes; jumps over rapids and knocked out bridges; slides under fire and rocks; rides the rails through abandoned mines; and does everything else that he can to get away.

But, that’s the thing about the game. You never get away. No matter how good you are the outcome is always death. It’s like life I suppose. Except, this death involves falling off a cliff; drowning; being burned alive; or getting eaten by the giant monkey monster. That’s the crazy part. You can’t win.

Just once, I would like for Guy Dangerous to turn into the real Indiana Jones and do this:Do the sensible thing and pull out a gun to shoot the bad guy. Then, I can win the game.

Brunch at the Bar

Today, my girlfriend and I went to our favorite restaurant for brunch. Usually, the hostess, one of my former students, can get us a table pretty quickly. That wasn’t going to happen today, so we scouted the bar for seats. We have become adept at being what I call “bar sharks” – people who hang around and scout for people who are close to getting up.

This is not an accurate representation.

My girlfriend’s skills were in top form, and she found a couple of seats. We ordered deviled eggs as an appetizer and settled in for some delicious delicacies. We also settled in to check out the crowd around us. Lots of interesting things can be seen at a bar at night, but a few interesting can also be seen at a bar during brunch.

First, a lot of people go to brunch after church, and it’s funny to see them all decked out. It’s amazing how God requires women to carry Louis Vuitton purses and wear big diamonds to worship. It’s as if the best dressed gets through the Pearly Gates first.

No Gucci = No Wings

It’s also funny to see the church people saddle up to a bar and order a drink. Wait, it shouldn’t be that strange since Jesus turned water into wine. I wonder if he could turn it into a Mimosa and Bloody Mary, too. Heck, he could have named the second one after his mom. At least, the three women next to me who were praying didn’t order any shots.

Across the way, a couple of guys were wearing purple sweaters. I don’t have anything else to say about that except one had a floral pattern.

There was a young couple sitting next to my girlfriend, and it was hard not to eavesdrop. Actually, it was a little difficult, but we were doing our best. They were new to each other, and she kept asking him personal questions like, “Do you like dogs?”

I like dogs enough never to do this to them.

He kept changing the subject about a job opening that she might be able to help him with. They split the check. He should know that if you want something, then bribery will take you a long way. Cheap people never get ahead.

There were some other sights at the bar – a couple of young wives who looked like they married for money (they had the shiny diamonds but not the shiny smiles); a couple who had to sit with the bartender exit between them (they had to lean over to talk); and people waiting for a table in the restaurant although the bar had emptied out (they must have been the Fundamentalists who risking the afterlife by stepping into the bar)

So, my girlfriend and I watched the crowd as I ate steak and eggs and she had eggs benedict. Added to the appetizer of deviled eggs, we were lucky that we didn’t lay a few. Now, that would have been something interesting to see at the bar.